Tuesday, October 26, 2010

HCG FREE!

Okay, I've officially been off the HCG diet for 9 days. And oh what a liberating 9 days it has been! The whole world is full of endless caloric possibilities. In fact, right this minute I am basking in the goodness of cookies for breakfast. So, from the sugar saturated seat I now fill - here is my take on the HCG diet.

The Bad...and The Ugly:
1. Thanks to HCG, I am now hyper aware of how much protein I am NOT eating every day, how much water I am NOT drinking every day, how few fruits and veggies I eat on a regular day and how ridiculous my carb and sugar intakes are. I feel healthier - don't you?

2. Again thanks to HCG, every time I eat something that should fill me with joy, happiness and a positive outlook on life - I get sick. Sometimes I get violently ill...sometimes only a little queasy. But either way, this diet has robbed me of my culinary best friend - sugar! (Yes, I will be paying for my cookies for breakfast soon enough).

3. For me, it was totally beyond not worth it. Extreme starvation promises extreme weight loss - I just starved. I'm still waiting for that promised weight loss.

The Good:
1. Being hyper aware of what is going into my body has made it a lot easier to consistently choose more healthy food and make sure my diet stays more well balanced than before (well, except the occasional slip...like my cookies :)).

2. Even though I lament the loss of my comfort foods - perhaps getting sick when I eat sugar isn't such a bad thing. It is definitely a deterrent.

3. The HCG diet makes exercise look good. It's sad when something is so bad it can make exercise look desirable. But this diet definitely does . I can either starve....or I can eat what I want and exercise. The latter is so much more appealing these days (though...don't be fooled. Just because it SOUNDS more appealing doesn't mean I actually do it.)

But by all means, don't be discouraged by my less than optimistic view. My co-workers seem to have fallen in love with the diet. They are all back on it again. But part of me, though eating cookies for breakfast is not the norm, is grateful that I CAN eat cookies for breakfast if I want them. And that...that is epic.

Monday, October 18, 2010

You Might be on HCG If...

If this list isn't wildly hilarious to you...you've probably never 1) been on the HCG diet or 2) been around someone who is for an extended period of time. Just sayin.

10. Binging means eating an extra Melba Toast
9. You begin each day discussing how much of a ‘loser’ you are
8. Your worst enemy is that dang water bottle
7. The highlight of your afternoon is apple time
6. You spend more time with the restroom than you do with your family
5. You weigh everything before you eat it
4. Your daydreams involve peanut butter and white bread
3. You have spent three weeks planning your ‘first meal’
2. You…must…eat….lunch…at exactly 12:00!
And Finally…
1. You are delighted every time you….well, we all know what

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm Delighted!

Okay, so I have to warn you - this post is not young, innocent child friendly. So, if you fall into that category. Stop reading now and go back to your happy place. If not, read on.

The day that I started the HCG diet, one of my co-workers, who is kind of a lifer on this diet (she does it....breaks the diet....starts over....breaks the diet....and so the cycle continues) sent me the HCG diet e-book. So, of course I read it. Well, in the course of reading it...this is what I found:


"An excess of water keeps the feces soft, and that is very important in the obese,
who commonly suffer from constipation and a spastic colon. While a patient is
under treatment we never permit the use of any kind of laxative taken by mouth.
We explain that owing to the restricted diet it is perfectly satisfactory and normal to
have an evacuation of the bowel only once every three to four days and that,
provided plenty of fluids are taken, this never leads to any disturbance."

Well, that is surely an overshare. But here is where it gets really good:

"Patients who observe this rule find that after treatment they have a
perfectly normal bowel action and this delights many of them almost as much as
their loss of weight
."

Seriously?!?! Why would you EVER write that in ANY book for ANY reason?! Needless to say, my coworkers have turned it into the interoffice joke. At least once a day, as someone returns from a visit to the restroom, someone else asks - in a mocking tone while clapping their hands excitedly - 'Ooh. Are you delighted?!' As crude and rude and workplace inappropriate as it may be...it is absolutely hysterical. Are you delighted?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Break Up

Here is part 2 of the HCG weekend saga:

I had been so good all weekend. I didn't cheat on the diet once. But Sunday night, I just couldn't take it anymore. Too many people with too many good things to eat. So, I decided I wanted to have some chocolate chips. They are semi-sweet - so that's better than it could be, right?
Well, I went into the kitchen and proudly declared that I was going to eat them. Big mistake. Matthew grabbed my arms and restrained me from getting the bag. Then, when I did get the bag, he wrestled with me - but, my mad craze for chocolate made me stronger than ten men and I won. I happily grabbed a huge handful and put them in a napkin so I could enjoy my much needed splurge.
Then James saw me. He tackled me to the couch. And he is NOT a small child. My strength turned to weakness as his ridiculously strong arms bested me. As he pried the luscious chocolate pieces from my tightly clenched fist, I cried out, 'NO!!!! I NEED them! I NEED them!' To which my Mother, through her laughter, replied, 'This is intervention'. I responded, 'I don't need intervention. I NEED chocolate!'
But, alas, my pleas didn't save my chocolate. They did, however, result in James standing as a bodyguard betwixt me and the kitchen for the rest of the evening. I'm sure the kitchen felt safer even though I didn't.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Reruns

So, this past weekend, I had some rather entertaining experiences - I am blaming them entirely on the carb-starved state of my brain. Entirely! Here is part 1:

Sunday night we were watching an older movie. We started watching the previews and reminiscing about movies from the 90's. Then an ad came on for an old TV show like 90210. It said is was going to start airing every Wednesday night at 6:30. So I started ragging on it, saying things like 'Why are they bringing this TV show back? They don't even have a new cast. At least the new 90210 has a different cast. This one isn't even different. It's like they're just running reruns of the old show. That's so dumb. Why would they even do that?'
It was about that time that I realized that I was ragging on an outdated, movie preview - not a live commercial. Somehow between the previous preview and the current preview I had completely forgotten that we were even watching a movie. I don't think weight is the only thing I've lost on this diet!

Thursday, October 7, 2010

HCG and Me

Ok, I admit it. I jumped on the bandwagon of the HCG diet ... exactly 14 days ago. Yes, I am painfully aware of EXACTLY how long I have been on this thing. It was a peer pressure induced decision really. Everyone at work was going on the diet and frankly, I felt left out. It hasn't been nearly as hard or miserable as I envisioned. But putting my take of the diet aside, here's a story to illistrate what happens when your brain isn't getting nearly enough carbs.

On Tuesday, I was walking to a meeting and heard someone walking quickly behind me. So I moved to the side so they could pass and turned around just to see who it was. There wasn't anyone there. "Ok" I thought, "They probably just turned and went to their desk. No big deal." So, I started walking again. And I heard the footsteps again. I turned to see who was behind me and again, no one. This time I stopped. I looked around several times and waited for the person to come up behind me again. No footsteps.

Slowly, I started forward. Then I heard them. But then I also realized what 'they' were. The dangly thing on my jacket was rythmically slapping against my leg with each step I took. The sound it made was pretty dang close to footsteps. I wonder what that scene looked like from Heaven? And since The Lord can hear my thoughts at the same time that He is watching this little paranoid display...I'm sure He got a good laugh out of it. My boss sure did. And that's how I followed myself down the hall.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Watch Your Step!

Last Friday night a group of friends went to the Brad Paisley concert at the Usana Ampitheater. I used to love country music. I used to love Brad Paisley. Used to would be the operative phrase there. My friend asked me to go and though I don't love Brad Paisley or country music anymore, I do love my friend. So I went. Everything was good until it got dark and cold and darker and colder. Cold is not my friend. So, I decided to sit down and wrap up in a blanket to get warm.

It was mostly working and though I looked asleep - I was mostly comfortable. Then, out of the blue, some drunk guy totally stepped on me!!! And then he bent over to apologize and he fell on top of me! Totally awkward. Finally he got up and walked away. But he left me there in some serious pain! It was kind of ironic though - we had been watching him and making snide remarks about him before he was drunk...he was totally a player. Maybe that was his way to get back at us for our less than charitable comments.

Either way - I decided this was the perfect opportunity to make a break for my warm car and enjoy (if you can use that word) the rest of the concert in warmth and comfort. I realized just before putting my shoe on that the open waterbottle that had been resting in it was now obliterated by my new inebriated friend. I tipped it and a water gushed out. Nice.

Thankfully, after slosh-hobbling to my car, the heater dried out my shoe and my ankle was only a swollen beauty for a few days. I'll bring an air horn next time. Although, that could make things worse ... not sure what happens when you scare a drunk, but it sounds dangerous!