Sunday, March 29, 2009

I Ride The Short Bus

Okay today's humorous mission story comes from Allentown. Wendy and I were walking down a very narrow ally one dark night on our way home. I turned my head to the right to say something to Wendy and CRACK!!! The next thing I knew I was on my knees in the fetal position, clutching my left temple - just WAITING for my brains to start oozing out onto the concrete. Wendy was kind of borderline freaking out and kept asking if I was bleeding. She was sure half of my head was missing. I finally stood up and realized what I had done. I had turned to face Wendy at the exact moment that I approached a window air conditioning unit hanging out of a bedroom window. The corner had caught me square in the left temple. That's gonna leave a mark. Don't worry, I still have the left side of my face - and it sustained no permanent damage. How do I know? It is still able to get chubby.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Why You Flea-Bitten Little....

I decided that since my life currently lacks a great measure of humor - I will stimulate it by recounting humor from my mission. Today's episode: How I became flea-bitten.
I was serving in Pottsville, Pennsylvania with Ciara Dresser. There are a couple of important things to know about Pottsville in order to fully appreciate this account: 1) More than 50% of the population HAS spent time in the psych ward. 2) The other 50% of the population IS currently spending time in the psych ward.
We had been teaching Teresa...but we quickly learned she fell into the 100% of the population I described above, so we stopped meeting with her. She called us one day in a panic because she couldn't find her cat. We took pity on her and went to help her find the dang cat. We found it alright - and just in time. It had been severely eaten by fleas and still had literally hundreds on it. I will spare you the gory details -but the cat had to be rushed to the animal hospital. The doctor at the animal hospital said if the cat had that many fleas on it, there were at least ten times that many fleas in the house - meaning there were thousands of fleas in Teresa's house.
Well now that just gives you warm fuzzies! Teresa drove herself home and we drove straight to Wal-Mart!
We headed to the insect killing spray isle, grabbed some super powerful, guaranteed to work flea bombs and headed back to the apartment. We got out of the car, set up a flea bomb between the two front seats, set it off, slammed the doors and locked the car.
Next we had to get into the apartment to get cleaned up...(remember the gory details I left out...well they left us very messy and not clean). We didn't want to infect the whole apartment so we decided it would be best if we climbed in through the bathroom window (Do note that we were wearing skirts for this adventure). I climbed in first. After shutting the bathroom door and sealing off the crack at the bottom (so no fleas could escape), I stripped down and jumped into the shower. After a long paranoid shower, I left my clothes in a wad on the floor and escaped the bathroom so Ciara could climb in the window and shower. After her shower, I set off the last flea bomb in the bathroom just to be safe. For the next two weeks every time a hair on my arm bristled or the wind blew just right, I jumped and screamed like a little girl - still paranoid that we had fleas.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Mommy Wow! I'm a Big Kid Now!

Okay, so I basically just tried to hold the door open for the guy walking behind me - the door to the girls bathroom. Yeah, cuz that's not embarrassing at all! Fortunately he didn't say something like 'Thanks, but I think I'll use the MENS room'.
That reminds me of a time on my mission when we knocked on the door of an older gentleman and asked if we could come in and talk to him for a minute. He said no, he was getting dressed. I remember having a sort of out of body experience at that moment with my conscience screaming 'NO, DON'T SAY THAT!' at the same time that my mouth was asking, 'Well, can we help you with anything?' The gentleman looked at me oddly and then said, 'Uh, no, I can do it myself thanks.'
If only I would learn to keep my mouth shut!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Death to the Dog!

There is a family in Lindon that happens to be very good friends with my family. They asked if I could come live at their house for a week while they went on vacation. So I made sure to pack all the essentials (chocolate, ensign, chocolate) in my little orange suitcase and moved in Sunday night. Things had been going great - inspite of the extremely hyper chocolate lab and the severely co-dependent cat that both live there. 'Had been' was definitely the key part of that sentence. I came home late Tuesday night and went to turn in for the night only to find small pieces of foil littering the bedroom floor. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what they were from. Then I saw my orange suitcase...the foil was DEFINITELY coming from there. Uh, so basically the dog had found and EATEN MY CHOCOLATE BAR! And not only that, he had also chewed through most of my Conference Edition of the Ensign! I kept thinking 'I hope you get sick! You just ate the two MOST important things!' Mom said she figures the dog was just trying to get some spirituality any way he could. So what about the chocolate? WHY did he have to eat the chocolate?!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

How I Became Cookie Monster

So this is the story of how I became a cookie monster. I found four dollars outside of our building one afternoon. I decided to be honest and turned it in to HR. On Friday, HR decided that since no one had claimed the money, I could have it. I was stoked! I put my precious four dollars in my pocket and immediately started finding great things to spend that money on. All weekend I was so excited because I had four dollars and I didn't have to work for it, pay taxes on it, or even pay bills with it...that four dollars was ALL MINE! Well, the weekend ended and I STILL had four dollars. Yesterday, Monday, I was sitting at my desk as the day drug on and on and on when suddenly I remembered my four dollars. I could get a cookie! I could get a caffeine fix! I could get Mac & Cheese! I ran down to the vending machine...selected the delightful fudge chocolate chip cookie that I was salivating to consume...I pulled out my wallet to get one of my precious four dollars and there were NO dollars in my wallet. My four dollars were (and still are) on my desk; they are even in the envelope HR gave me on Friday. Yeah, I'm kinda dense like that.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Minor Surgery

So I think that someone crept into my room a few nights ago while I peacefully slept in my not so comfy bed and performed minor surgery on me because it seems my funny-bone is missing. I am not feeling freaking hilarious anymore. Maybe it's just a passing phase and soon everyone will be subjected to my not-so-funny-self-entertainment again. I wonder if funny-bone surgery takes six or eight weeks for recovery. Should I be on light duty until I recover? Hmm...maybe I'll consult a physician.